The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

Some of you will know what song the title of this note belongs to. For those who do not:

http://www.metrolyrics.com/mad-world-lyrics-gary-jules.html

I've been feeling rather sluggish and this song has been in my mind all day. I've been finding that most of the songs I've had stuck in my head amplify my mood. Therefore, I've been contemplating recording them to make a form of yearly review of my mood.

I don't feel like I have direction or purpose. Without direction, it is hard to keep from drowning. What is wrong with me that I need some drive, some direction, in essence something to keep my busy just so that I don't slip into the dark? I just don't get it.

I'm still screwed up from the relationship. I still am parinoid in any social situation. My mind moves and shifts wondering if people are pissed at me, annoyed, or even burdened by my pressence.

Then it shifts and I try to compensate, normally ending in some weird dialogue that I end with "forget it."

How do I even get to the point of not feeling so awkward? I've always been on edge with things, but I've never had this much difficulty dealing with it. Oh and the giggling. The constant reminder that I'm nervous, constantly nervous. If I can't get that under control I'll never be taken seriously.

But when I'm taken seriously I can't seem to maintain my composure. I like being able to retreat into "I was joking" or "I was being sarcastic." Worse yet when I'm being sarcastic, people are starting to take me seriously.

I can hope that in a couple months I can start to get this worked out. And after everything, after all is said and done, one thing still remains... I miss him.

He was infused in so much that I was and what I did. He was always a phone call away and he was my best friend for quite some time. I don't have anyone that I can just call, who is up for taking a walk, or discussing some book, music, or movie over coffee any more. So I call friends, and I thus feel like I'm bugging people. I need more hobbies or something.