It's been a number of years. Of course I realize this blog as with anything on the internet can be seen and read by my ex.

The abuse I suffered so long ago (going on 5 years) has completely changed who I am. I am stronger and I have to say, in the end, made me better equipped to help others.

Though I still wish I could undo what was done, I can relish that I am finally in a great relationship that is healthy and built on trust. We move into our house in a couple months. We get married in a year. My friends and family that have stayed through the difficult times made me realize that there are people out there that can really be depended upon in times when it is uncomfortably silent.

Future travels and career goals (I can't believe I'm so close to what I set out to do in 10 years) made me realize that life moves and if I catch the drift, it can be rather good.

I guess, in the long run, this post is an effective, I'm so glad I'm not with you, my life is soooo much better post. Also, if this is a future wife/girlfriend/whatever: careful and don't quit your job/move for him. It will be the worst mistake you make. Careful of his tastes and what he does and under no circumstances let him dictate who you talk to. He has a way of making you feel ashamed or angry at people that were close to you. There is a reason for this... and a reason why he doesn't have friends and doesn't have any for more than 10 years. That seems to be the cut-off.

Now that I have this out of my system, it's time to move on and finally remove my thoughts.

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.

Some of you will know what song the title of this note belongs to. For those who do not:

http://www.metrolyrics.com/mad-world-lyrics-gary-jules.html

I've been feeling rather sluggish and this song has been in my mind all day. I've been finding that most of the songs I've had stuck in my head amplify my mood. Therefore, I've been contemplating recording them to make a form of yearly review of my mood.

I don't feel like I have direction or purpose. Without direction, it is hard to keep from drowning. What is wrong with me that I need some drive, some direction, in essence something to keep my busy just so that I don't slip into the dark? I just don't get it.

I'm still screwed up from the relationship. I still am parinoid in any social situation. My mind moves and shifts wondering if people are pissed at me, annoyed, or even burdened by my pressence.

Then it shifts and I try to compensate, normally ending in some weird dialogue that I end with "forget it."

How do I even get to the point of not feeling so awkward? I've always been on edge with things, but I've never had this much difficulty dealing with it. Oh and the giggling. The constant reminder that I'm nervous, constantly nervous. If I can't get that under control I'll never be taken seriously.

But when I'm taken seriously I can't seem to maintain my composure. I like being able to retreat into "I was joking" or "I was being sarcastic." Worse yet when I'm being sarcastic, people are starting to take me seriously.

I can hope that in a couple months I can start to get this worked out. And after everything, after all is said and done, one thing still remains... I miss him.

He was infused in so much that I was and what I did. He was always a phone call away and he was my best friend for quite some time. I don't have anyone that I can just call, who is up for taking a walk, or discussing some book, music, or movie over coffee any more. So I call friends, and I thus feel like I'm bugging people. I need more hobbies or something.